CHO ANIKI - BAKARETSU RANTOU HEN August 07 2002


In life, there are some things that you simply can't predict. This could be a bullet to the back of your head, an apocalyptic earthquake, or it just might be Cho Aniki. Cho Aniki is a very unique game. Very unique. The day I'll be able to put anything in a 'related items' box at the end of this article will be the day the Devil himself rams my door in with a brand new snowmobile.

So, what could be so unique about a one-on-one beat'em up game? For starters, all the characters are airborn. Also, they are all flaming homosexuals.

Whenever an action or bodily function stops being taboo or an ethnic group proves to be a valuable marketing group, the entertainment business makes sure to milk it until its teats scream for mercy. Examples: sexplotation and blacksplotation. I guess this game is an early attempt of what I can't help calling cracksplotation, but I guess the trend never really swept the world off its feet. In case the image above isn't enough to convince you this game is homoerotic, let me go through its characters one by one.

Idaten seems to be the main character, and of all the people in this game, he's the least gay one. Okay, he wears pink clothes and sprinkles fairy dust all over the place, but that's pretty damned masculine if you compare him to the other guys.

Benten is one of the two female characters in this game. If you looked at the images above and figured "gay game + female = hot lesbo action," I have to disappoint you. See those two halo guys? That's right. At first, they look like average cherubs, but once the fists start a-flying, they turn into small brute men. Small brute men with wings. Still not very gay, but hang in there.

Samson! Now we're talking. Samson is more interested in shaking his ass than fighting, and he spends half of the time making himself dizzy. I wish I was kidding, but he really does. He'll fly around shaking his ass until small birds start flying around his head and he has to take a break. He also has the most useless attack in the whole game: sticking his ass out. I entered the two-player mode to have a completely static opponent, flew up to the dummy, and stuck my ass out. Nothing happed. This is the world's first attack that's just gay. It doesn't hurt your opponent, it's just 100% gay. His special attacks are - again, I'm not kidding - a big old heat-seeking jizz fart and small white blobs of slime shooting out from a hole on top of his head.

Sabu. I take back what I said about Idaten, this guy is the least homosexual character. I still have to include him, simply because he's a propelled Elvis ship with a boot shooting out from the abdomen and a hatch that sometimes reveals a miniature dancing geisha.

Mami 19 is, as you can see, a pink aircraft with three small dancing men on deck. Naked men. This, my friend, is the Gay Boat. These guys sometimes form a triangle to attack upwards, so they're apparently cheerleaders. From time to time, Mami chucks one of the gay men at her opponent, which... well, it doesn't make sense.

Botei is, as you can see, a berserker. Being a convincing berserker is not all that easy when you're so pretty in pink and your name is pronounced 'boo-tey,' but he gives it his best shot. And his best split-kick.

Adam is a naked guy in a bathtub. I found this pretty disturbing, and my first impression certainly didn't change when I waded through my screenshots and found something that had eluded my eyes while I was playing: he's not alone in there. Also, he has a giant phallic cannon. Did I mention he's a naked guy in a flying bathtub?

Apparently, there is also another character, but I played through the entire game without unlocking him. If I have to make a qualified guess, I predict he's an erect penis dressed like a sailor.

We haven't gone through the levels yet.

The levels in this game are... well, I've already used the word 'gay' about a hundred times by now, so I'll let this animated gif describe what the levels are like.

That's what the levels are like. Well, the first one is pretty straight. The Statue of Liberty has big fat lips and wires all over, but if you fired up the game for the first time playing as Idaten and were lucky enough to get Elvis as opponent, why, you probably would think this was a game that wasn't a game about a ship with teeny tiny naked men on board and a naked guy in a flying bathtub.

Wow, take a look at Samson! He's got that whole ballerina thing going. He's a multi-talent, that guy.

Oh dear god. One regular-sized and three miniature homos battling it out in a field of daisies with a bunch of giant male fairies hanging around in the background wearing purple g-strings. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with homosexual game characters - no, in fact, I do say that. Just like there shouldn't be any obviously heterosexual ones. Okay, so all beat'em up characters south of Mortal Kombat are obvious heteros (with the possible exception of Vega from Street Fighter II), but... Know what, I'll just leave that before it crawls onto the island of political incorrectness.

This place has stars and suns and every other celestial body you can imagine hanging from strings. Oh yeah, there's also a moon that's a harp played by a very muscular arm growing right out from the crescent. It's also Botei's favourite place to give it to Elvis.

I'm just going to emphasise that what you're looking at is an oriental Elvis rocket on some kind of weird theatre stage fighting with a pink berserker that seems to desire his propeller. Time for another gif.

Oh yes, I'd almost forgotten the Temple of Gay Pleasure. In the background you can see small lesbian statues, and right behind the players are mysterious semi-transparent purple men wearing loincloths. They're constantly thrusting up and down, but since I can't move further down than you can see at the screenshot, I'll never know what they're up to. That's a good thing. Again, I have nothing against homosexuals. It just strikes me as weird when Nintendo won't allow blood in their games, but endorse gay softcore as entertainment for eight-year-olds.

The man train. Male locomotives linked together in an endless chain, only separated by carts of fruit. You know what? I'm not going to comment on that.

I just realized why I never use animated gifs - I'm unable to read anything when there's a flashing element on the screen. I'd remove them, but making them took a while, and they just emphasise my point so perfectly.

If there's any way to conclude this, it would have to be by saying "this is a very gay game." And it is. It's a very very gay game.