A couple of years ago, a friend called me to say he'd found me a present in an antique shop. Fearing he'd gotten me a music box or something, I went over, and was given an old VHS. It had two movies on it: a psychological thriller with Charles Bronson and Anthony Perkins and the piece of shit that's in focus today. It had cost him the equivalent of a pound sterling, and it still was the greatest gyp of all time.

I was a little unsure what title I was supposed to write in the header. While the cover says the movie is called Malko, the opening credits read Terminate With Extreme Prejudice. The subtitles however, insist the name is To El Salvador, and the whole shebang is based on the book Terror in San Salvador. To get my papers straight, I checked what imdb had to say about the whole thing. They claim the international title is S.A.S. à San Salvador, where the 'à' is optional. To complicate further, this is a French/German co-production from the days when Germany was split at the middle, and was released in the former West Germany as Malko, im Auftrag des Pentagon. I'll just call it Terminate With Extreme Prejudice.

I'm sorry about the quality of the images, but the tape's sorry state indicates the previous owner has seen this movie approximately 3,000 times. The nude scenes are especially worn out, so I should probably have put some gloves on before handling the cassette. Oh well, nothing to do about that now.

After the opening credits, we are introduced to Enrique Chacon, the bad guy. With his henchmen as passengers, he's driving in his red pickup and pointing out dead bodies in the street like a sightseeing guide macabre, before he runs into a church and shoots the archbishop. That is, the wheel window shatters, and the bishop looks dead afterwards, so I'm assuming he shot him.

A few days later, prince Malko of Austria stands on top of his castle negotiating fees with the carpenter herr Sommer:

Sommer: Special Price just for you. I make no profit.

Malko: I know, herr Sommer. But I have to ask the advice of my major domo. Krisantem?

Krisantem the German shepherd: Arf arf raagh woof!

(Krisantem almost pushes herr Sommer off the roof)

Sommer: Your lordship, it's a dog!

Malko: Pet him!!

After this demonstration of Germanic royal debate techniques, a moustached gentleman appears to inform the prince his tailor has arrived. The carpenter is surprised to see the tailor arrive with a ten-limousine escort, but Malko explains by informing him he only pays his tailor on odd years. This doesn't make much sense to me, but it doesn't matter, since the person who arrives isn't his tailor at all, but Malko's girlfriend and a bunch of guys ready to party. And by 'party,' I mean 'hanging around eating canapés.'

What the image on the right fails to illustrate, is how swamped in make-up Malko's girlfriend is. To be brutally honest, she looks less like a real woman than she looks like Tim Curry straight out of Rocky Horror. To my great displeasure, she appears in a love scene only seconds after her arrival, which of course results in massive close-ups.

While the two royal monkeys get down with the nasty, the phone rings. The CIA needs Malko to go to San Salvador STAT, a situation his girlfriend isn't happy with. The prince explains that if he doesn't work part-time as a secret agent, he won't have enough money to fix his roof, so he really doesn't have much choice. I swear I'm not making this up.

The chief of the CIA explains that Chacon once worked for the CIA, but turned bad somewhere along the way. To infiltrate Chacon's mob, Malko needs to catch a plane that lands in San Salvador at the precise moment Chacon's girlfriend's plane lands. Or something. The chief is more interested in explaining how alcohol gave him cancer than letting us know what the hell is going on, so I'll have to rely on suspension of disbelief to get all the way to the end of this.

Since the last paragraph, I've managed to move to a whole other part of the country and started studying film science. Also, I've managed to lose my notes, so I'll have to do the rest of this article from memory.

Let's see... Malko meets Lovisa Maria, Chacon's girlfriend, at the airport, and offers her a ride. She agrees, but won't talk to him because he's a stranger. Lovisa doesn't talk to strangers, she just car pools with them into the middle of the jungle. Once there, they run into Chacon and his guerrilla buddies. To thank Malko for dropping Lovisa off, he shoots his tires to laces.

Since I'm already god damn sick of this movie, I'll fast-forward a bit. Malko locates the hotel where Chacon's ex-girlfriend works, and persuades her into giving him information about Chacon. Apparently, Chacon has a local diplomat's balls in a blender, and this guy is the only one who can help our prince. After he's gotten this information out of her, he has sex with her, and then she dies because Chacon has ears everywhere.

When visiting the diplomat's mansion, Malko runs into a naked woman lying by the pool. He introduces himself, and the woman gets up to shake his hand. Then, she remembers she is naked, freaks, and jumps into the pool. A couple of seconds later, Malko has stated his business, and the girls suddenly doesn't care she's naked anymore. She climbs out from the pool and asks Malko to hand her a robe. Then, she turns the other way to put it on, but suddenly spins around to show her tits to Malko one more time before she ties the lace. This is the standard female behaviour pattern in this movie, and I suspect the director is trying to put some sexual tension into his mess by making all women suffer from exhibitionist tourettes.

Malko meets the diplomat, and learns the woman by his pool is his niece. I'm not sure why she's walking butt naked around her uncle's house, and I'm not going to explore the situation further. What's more important, though much less interesting, is that the diplomat wants to leave the country, but can't as long as Chacon is keeping an eye on him. Malko is getting nowhere fast and decides to leave, but when he tries to start his car, the niece has stolen his car keys. To get them back, he has to agree to taking her out one day. Also, he has to make out with her, a premise he happily obliges to.

Back in his hotel, Malko meets the revolutionist leader Rosa. Rosa wants to overthrow Chacon, and asks Malko to help her. After a brief chat, Rosa wants to borrow Malko's shower, and she also want him to help her turn the water on. Suddenly, the movie transforms into a Playmate of the month presentation, where Rosa suddenly aquires the ability to look into the camera while she caresses her breasts and her freakishly angular ass. Finally, Malko catches on, and understands he's supposed to have sex with her. After he's done his duty, he learns Rosa's goal in life is to have sex with a hundred different people before she dies. Rosa knows how to make a man feel special.

After these escapades, Malko is told to go visit the priest of Chacon's village. This guy elegantly beats the dwarf in the Dungeons and Dragons movie to the Most Useless Character in Any Movie Ever trophy by simply telling Malko he can't help him before disappearing from the rest of the movie. I probably wouldn't remember him at all if he wasn't able to sprout a moustache between cuts.

The next day, the diplomat's niece takes Malko to a party. Suddenly, one of Chacon's men attacks Malko, but the pachydermic prince kicks his ass and then takes his date home. I actually memorized the following dialogue:

Niece: Come on, I'll follow you home.

Malko: To your home?

Niece: To your hotel room.

Malko: All right...

Niece: But I can't come up.

Malko: All right...

Niece: Maybe one drink.

Malko: All right...

Niece: No, I shouldn't.

Malko: All right...

(She starts hitting him, and he kisses her)

Niece: No, please don't, Malko.

Malko: All right...

(she kisses him, and he lays her down on the hood of a car)

Niece: No, I'm not like that.

Again, she kisses him, and they decide to just have sex on the hood of a car in the middle of the street, somehow managing to turn the windshield wipers on. The next day, she goes and gets herself killed, just like every goddamned woman Malko has sex with.

After spending nearly two seconds grieving the death of one of his lovers, Malko is asked to join the national guard on a helicopter ride. The reason? I'll let the colonel explain:

Fun in a chopper (199 KB)

The colonel is in luck today; Lots of revolutionists are protesting just outside town. To maintain peace, he shoots them all down from his chopper. What Malko doesn't know, is that this is part of a conspiracy obviously hatched out by Skeletor: The reason why national force tricks Malko into riding their helicopter, is that they have hired a photographer to get to know Malko (I probably should have mentioned that guy earlier) and then betray him by taking pictures of him sitting in the helicopter while the colonel shoots down twenty people, then to deliver the pictures to the revolutionists, so they can accuse Malko of treachery and try to kill him. You know, instead of just shooting him while he's standing right in front of them. Pure genius, Chacon.

After escaping the revolutionists, Malko meets Lovisa at the hotel. They talk a little about the weather before three guys come up to them and ask if they may rape Lovisa. Malko explains he doesn't really care. The men don't hear him properly, and threaten to kill him if he doesn't let them rape Lovisa. Again, Malko tells them to go ahead. The three rapists are a little confused, and threaten to kill Malko again, this time for not defending his woman. If you're confused, Malko isn't. He immediately understood that these guys work for Chacon, and were going to kill Malko if they just could get him pissed. Since Malko simply refuses to get angry, they decide to beat him up a little to see if that helps. It doesn't, and Malko takes Lovisa to his room, where he rips her clothes off her and places her in the window. Below is Chacon, who thinks his girlfriend is cheating on him. Having no more need for her, Malko sends Lovisa down, stark naked. When she explains she didn't sleep with Malko, Chacon believes her, but he thinks the whole deal was so embarassing he kills her anyway.

Malko follows Chacon to his home and shoots him in the head, apparently penetrating the colon control centre. Now that he has killed the bad guy and spread his royal seed all over Latin America, he decides to go home and sleep with his girlfriend. Thus ends the story about how the prince had his roof fixed.

What did we learn? Well, first of all that Miles O'Keeffe is the most boring actor in the world. We also learned that to overthrow a terrorist regime, you have to sleep with everyone involved on each side of the conflict. As a film student, I learned fading to red or blue between cuts looks stupid. But the most important lesson here is that some movies are so boring they just aren't worth god damn writing about. I hate this article. Well, except that square ass. That one was fun.