STUPID TIE-INS: SPIDERMAN May 08 2002


In most attics, you find three or four boxes of toys. The box closest to the staircase contains the toys you're too old to play with. The next contains stupid toys you were so bored with that you didn't even notice when your mother stashed them away. The final one is a collection of gifts from your grandmother and your father's aunts.

This is where this kind of stuff is stashed. Only grandmothers are outdated enough to think a Spiderman Puffa Pal is cool. Actually, the only way to get a decent toy from your granny is to specifically instruct her, and even then you can be sure she'll screw up and buy a cheap knock-off or one of the following items.

SPIDERMAN CAR & BOAT WITH TRAILER

Now, I'm not all too familiar with Spiderman comics, but looking at the products avalable in toy stores I get the general idea: Spidey hangs out at the beach all the time. This far I've seen four Spiderman toys with a beach theme, including an 8'' action figure where Peter Parker is wearing a 50s bathing suit on top of his costume. And he's holding an inflatable ball, of course. So I guess this car makes sense.

SPIDERMAN HOP-BOP BALL

I just realized that while I was editing this image, I didn't come up with one line of text to go with it. Not even a cheap shot! The reason is probably the look of the poor thing. I mean, look at it! Spidey looks like Hulk dismembered him, grabbed him by the ears and relieved himself down his throat! Through all his years of bothersome aliens and mad scientists, poor Peter never faced any terror equal to what he must have been exposed to here. If I found this in a toy store, I would probably take it home just because I felt sorry for it.

SPIDERMAN PUFFA PAL

"Turn your 'puffa' into your pal"

In case you can't tell by looking at the picture, this is a cover for asthma inhalers. If I suffered from asthma, this would not make me feel any better about it! First of all, it's impossible to discreetly inhale anything from a shiny red Spiderman face. Second, if somebody against all logic should think this thing is cool, we'd have our first asthma medicine OD on our hands. Thirdly, I could comment on the lack of connection between Spidey and asthma, but in the middle of this article that would be like pointing out a continuity error in an episode of Dolemite.

THE INCREDIBLE HULK/THE AMAZING SPIDERMAN TOILET PAPER

Look at the picture... the paper features an exclusive story! On toilet paper! I've seen toilet paper with flowers, I've seen toilet paper with sheep, and I've seen toilet paper with quotes. And now, my friends, I've seen toilet paper with an exclusive Spiderman story! Boy, this makes me think! Imagine the author of this comic trying to pick up girls at a party:


I may laugh now, but I can't even begin to imagine the terror this paper could inflict if it ever found its way to my part of the world: Count all the idiots you meet on a regular basis. You know, those guys who sneak up behind you, tap you on your left shoulder, move to your right, and then snicker when you turn the wrong way. After this ritual, they follow you around all day, telling jokes you don't understand because you've never programmed anything in VisualBasic. Those guys. Counted them? Good. that's how many times you'd have to endure this conversation:

I really can't see the point in buying this paper anyway. You can read all you want, but you know somebody else is going to come barging in and wipe their ass with the climatic battle between Spiderman and Rhino. If you live alone with a blow-up called Mary Jane and sleep in Spiderman bedclothes however, I guess you get the amazing exclusive story all to yourself.

Onwards to page three: George Lucas on acid