STUPID TIE-INS: STAR WARS May 08 2002

If Lucas had a penny for every stupid Star Wars product ever purchased, he'd be a rich man today. Of course, Lucas earns close to a dollar for every stupid Star Wars product ever purchased, so today he's a filthy rich man.

Note: I've got a fever, and just finished watching Darren Arnofski's Requiem for a Dream, so don't expect the following presentations to make any sense. The film was great, but more mind-twisting than a Twin Peaks marathon and more depressing than a third-world documentary, so I'll be a-tossing and a-turning in by bed tonight. Poirot is on in a minute, hopefully he'll get me back on track. Belgian investigators have that quality, it seems.

LANDO CALRISSIAN TIN

Ah, Hercule saves the day once again. Feeling better now. The journalist and the gymteacher did it.

You might wonder what the item to the right is. Answering that is simple: It's a really small tin to put tiny objects in. And it's got Billy Dee Williams on it. That's right, a box to put buttons and pastilles in, graced with the face of the funkiest space scoundrel of all time: Lando Calrissian! Aaaand... as an extra bonus, George even throws in half the head of a bald space guy! Heaven really is a place on Earth.

BOBA FETT CAKE PAN

If you're a Star Wars fan, you're probably aware of all the books published about the various characters in the movies. So if you want to follow the cantina band on their tour across the galaxy, I'm pretty sure you'll find a boxed trilogy about them. Boba Fett is of course no exception, and I'm confident that in one the books about him, it's expressed just how crazy he is about sponge cake. It would make sense: all Bond villains share a passion for walnuts or olives, so the obscure and cloaked Boba Fett needs to have a sweet tooth, or his character won't work.

JABBA'S PALACE CREATURE NECKLACE

I can't remember what this guy is called, and can't be arsed to look it up. In case you don't remember, this is the scabby little gremlin that sits on Jabba's tail and laughs every time somebody gets hurt. He was in Return of the Jedi for twenty seconds and all his lines were "HEEEEEEEE-hehehehe-he-he!", but I'm sure there are five books available if you want to learn more about him. That goes for the blue felt elephant with the keyboard as well.

Hmmm... Who would wear this? I for one wouldn't put this around my neck if it had magical powers. Anyone who buys it for his girlfriend will be crying into his C3PO cereal within five minutes. Heck, I seriously doubt this even passes the AD&D community's dress code. Still, this article's king of stupid jewellery is not yet crowned... Stay tuned.

WICKET THE EWOK ROLLER SKATES

I'm not really that fond of Ewoks, but they're not more than I can handle. Caped Ewoks on roller skates are horses of a different hue, however. What I'd really like to see are AT-ST roller skates. Or Vader skates. Or R2D2... Wait a minute... that... would... make... SENSE! R2 rolls around on wheels, so Lucas Licensing's "no connection whatsoever" policy wouldn't allow it in a thousand years. Now you know what happened to the "C3PO Broomstick-up-the-Ass".

VALENTINES

Ah, yes. How better to declare your love than sending a card with Jabba the Hutt on it? Did I mention he's saying "You are commanded to have a happy valentine's day"? Goddamn, that's romantic!

If you leave an anonymous valentine graced by a Jawa vehicle, I can guarantee you that if the object of your desire even bothers to find out where it came from, you won't know. Unless she tells everybody what a moron you are, of course. Then you'll definitely hear about it.

OBI-WAN FIGURAL MUG

Sir Alec Guinnes always hated the Star Wars phenomenon, and he never kept it a secret. His initial problem with it was the script. Then the movie made it big, and everyone started calling him "Ben". Then Lucas had someone craft a mug shaped like his head. Poor guy. Imagine trying to convince people you're a serious actor when the guy next to you is eating a popsicle created in your image! I only hope Lucas lets this guy rest in peace now that he has left us.

LUKE ON TAUN-TAUN TEA POT

Now I'm convinced: Lucas's great plan is that in a few years, every household item in every household will be connected to Star Wars. By the time Episode III is in theaters, I bet you can buy Gamorrean hearth pokers, aunt Beirut stoves, Chinese stereotype alien rice boilers, Darth Maul air fresheners, C3PO fluorescent condoms and Anakin aftershave. I wanted to include "R2D2 trash bins", but I think they already exist.

I must admit that I'm drinking my coffee from a Vader cup at this very moment. In my defense, it's made from plastic and cost me five bucks. This porcelain tea pot costs over eighty bucks today.

RETURN OF THE JEDI RECORD ERASER

I fail to see the connection here. Why would an eraser shaped like an LP be related to Star Wars? Because the John Williams soundtrack was released on LP? Why is an eraser shaped like an LP in the first place? Better not dwell in that cave...

Star Wars erasers could support an article alone, but I'll stick to a selected few for now. Writing about demented erasers is harder work than you'd think.

GAMMOREAN GUARD PERFUMED ERASER

Now, I could ask myself (and you) what Gammorean guards have got to do with erasers. Or how Gammoreans are connected to perfumed objects. Hell, I could even ask why erasers are supposed to smell good (I know, I know, so nine-year-old sisters will buy them), but the question I will ask is: Why would an eraser need to be blue and in a dispenser?! I like my erasers naked, simple and white. If I want to scratch and discolour my paper, I'll use a crayon with sand in it. I hate this thing!

STAR WARS GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ERASERS

Holy cow! I just realized I had those in the days before I knew what Star Wars even was! And what's worse, I never realized they could glow in the dark! Now I've got to visit my parents and raid the attic just so I can put these under my shirt and see Darth Vader glow blue at me.

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