STUPID TIE-INS: C3PO May 08 2002

How could I possibly write this article without mentioning C3PO, the king of stupid? Well, as you probably already have noticed, this is a section dedicated to him and him alone. You had it coming.

I've spent way too much time on this rant lately, and now I'm really looking forward to concluding it all. But first, we brave few will have to look at the worst of the worst commercialism has to offer. Keep in mind that these items probably cost more today than mortals in general are willing to pay, and that they all are endorsed by George Lucas.

EARDROPS

Okay, this confirms it: C3PO is gay. Anyone inclined to wear these is bound to be a homosexual man with no social connections, and he would also have to be a sci-fi convention rodie if there is such a thing.

If my research hadn't brought me further, I would instantly declare this to be the most inane tie-in this site has to offer. But you'll soon see just how this would be an erroneous decision.

Oh, yes...

You'll see...

SOAP DISH

Hmmm... what to say? It's a soap dish shaped like Obi-Wan and C3PO taking a moonlight ride in a land speeder.

MUSICAL TURRET

This could have caused irreversible damage to my psyche had anyone given it to me in my childhood. I granted everything life and free will when I was a kid, I even thought by bike hated me when I didn't use it often enough. Imagine an emotionally unstable droid rotating in a cannon turret while the Star Wars theme is being played on chimes slightly out of tune... Jesus Christ, I would fear for my life!

Well, now's the time to forget all silliness presented this far: You are now about to witness the climax all these items have been building up to... The award for stupidest tie-in product EVER goes to...





Wait for it...





It's coming...





There!





C3PO PORCELAIN TAPE DISPENSER!!

Sweet Jesus on a snowmobile! I've seen a Leia Soap-on-a-rope. I've seen Jar Jar in Lego. I've even seen a goddamned Watto Crazy Straw. But I never thought I'd see a dispenser where you pull tape from the groin area of C3PO the openly gay droid! Just a month ago, I was making a big fuzz about his singing. Then I saw him tapdance, which dumbfounded me beyond imagination. But this! This rendered me blind and paralyzed for three hours while WinAMP froze up and played Yaki-Da's Teaser on the Catwalk 54 times in a row! We have a winner!

There. Done. Finished. Ding dong, the witch is dead. This article took days to research and write, and it most certainly wasn't worth it. All it ever did for me was lowering my standards just in time for the Lord of the Rings merchandise to hit the shelves. Guess I can kiss my money goodbye.

This is by far the longest piece I've done for my site, and I seriously doubt I'll ever put this much work into any article ever again. If you followed my ravings to the bitter end, I thank you. This is the webmaster saying over and out.